Five Ways to Support a Friend that is Trying to Conceive
Why are we so bad at this as a culture? Here are some tangible ways to be more loving and aware of how we be with our friends and family through fertility challenges.
If someone you love is part of the 1 in 6 Canadian couples who struggle with fertility, it can be difficult to know how to support them.
As I was reflecting on my own conception journey during Canadian Fertility Awareness Week a couple of weeks ago, I thought I might share some insights from my own experience of trying to conceive around what was helpful or unhelpful.
No. 1 / Avoid Talking About “The Plan”
Ahh… the plan.
So many of us grow up with expectations on what having children (and heck, our lives!) will look like. How long after marriage until we start trying? What kind of career will I establish before kids? When is the best age to start? How old do we want to be when we are done having kids? How many kids should we have? What kind of an age gap do we want between children? The questions can go on and on.
For me, my plan was to get married in my mid twenties. I was lucky (?) to accomplish this.
Then I wanted to have my first baby in my mid to late twenties (ideally 27, to be specific). It was important to me to have at least one baby before I turned thirty.
Oop! My reproductive system had a different idea.
When you’re struggling with fertility, you just can’t make plans about when you’re going to have your child.
TTC might take longer than the expected time period.
You find yourself on a waitlist for fertility treatments.
You experience loss.
Abandoning your plan is a really tough pill to swallow.
But you only set yourself up for disappointment if you are making plans that may or may not pan out. Because of this, it can feel very triggering for someone struggling with fertility to hear another person talk about their family plan.
When I finally let go of my plan, I did myself a huge favour in dealing with our fertility challenges.
(As a side note… something that helped me swallow that pill was learning to appreciate all the other things I did get to accomplish “before I was 30”... I took additional courses and got trained as a yoga teacher. I saved money with my partner and we bought a house. We renovated that house and turned it into a rental property. I built a rewarding start to my career and developed specialized knowledge and experience. These are all things we must learn to acknowledge and celebrate in each other as much as we do creating humans...)
No. 2 / Talk About What you Have with Extra Gratitude
This is easier said than done, because I know what it feels like to be pregnant, and it’s also not easy! But, a pregnancy feels like a major achievement if you’re TTC without success.
If you’re pregnant or have kiddos and are speaking with someone who is struggling with fertility, make sure you communicate gratitude and recognize how lucky you are to have achieved a pregnancy.
It hurts extra hard when people don’t recognize the gift that they have been given.
Achieving a pregnancy is not easy for everyone, and so it always made me feel a bit better and like I could share in others’ joy when I knew they were conscious of the incredible miracle they had.
No. 3 / Ask Them About *Them*
I get it — your baby makes your heart sing. Parents can talk about their kids for hours and if you put them with another parent, the conversation can feel endless. But think twice before you speak about your kids in front of other people who may be TTC or working through fertility stuff. That conversation can happen later, when you’re just parent + parent. Not being able to participate in these conversations can feel particularly ostracizing for someone without children.
Instead of focusing on sharing the latest milestones or asking for advice on a new parenting challenge, talk to your friend about the things that light them up that have nothing to do with growing their family. What are they doing for work these days? What exciting adventures have they been up to? Are there passion projects you know they are working on that you can ask them about? Dive into that.
The thing with infertility is that it can feel so much like it defines you. You either are a parent, or you’re not.
In reality, we are so much more than just parents or non-parents as humans. Let’s not define ourselves by our family choices, and instead let our interests -- our relationships, our energies, the things that bring us joy -- play a bigger part in how we build connection and belonging.
When my partner and I were TTC, I really appreciated it when my friends would ask me about my life (besides my experience with infertility - although sometimes I appreciated that topic, too). It didn’t have to be anything crazy or thoughtful. But just having my people take an interest in my life and where I was investing my energy felt good. Sometimes I just needed to feel witnessed. I needed the reminder that I was more than just my ability to be a mother or not.
No. 4 / Reconstruct the Concept of “Family”
I often find myself guilty of saying this very thing, but it really bothers me. People always say if they choose to have children that they’re going to “start their family.”
This feels hurtful and exclusive for anyone who decides to be childfree. It contributes to the well accepted illusion that a family has to look like parents + kids.
Family looks like many things.
Before we had our daughter, my partner and I were a family. Sure, it was a small little family, but it was a family nonetheless. We had (and have) a beautiful, dynamic, strong relationship and lots of special memories that we make together.
Other people have family that includes pets or fur babies, friends they choose to call family members, housemates, caregivers, etc.
Instead of saying “start a family,” try to be conscious of your language and instead say things like “grow my family” or “expand our family.”
No. 5 / Share News or Check-in via Text
I absolutely appreciated having a few key family and friends be kept in the loop on our infertility experience. Doctor’s appointments, ultrasounds, supplements, dietary changes, all the things that we were doing did take a lot of energy and time, so it was nice to be able to share that with some folks. However, I didn’t always want to talk about fertility and TTC. I wanted to try and forget that stress sometimes.
If you know someone with fertility concerns, consider checking in with them via a text instead of asking about how things are going at your next in-person hangout. Even just a little, “Hey, I’ve been thinking about you” can mean a lot. And if it’s right, your text can help invite the conversation later on when they’re ready or feeling it.
If you happen to be pregnant or sharing news about someone else who is pregnant, follow this same protocol. Not in person is always better, otherwise you put your friend on the spot in a situation that they likely will be pretty triggered by.
Closing Thoughts
Unfortunately fertility is not very broadly spoken about. What that means is there isn’t a culture of support, compassion, or consciousness around how to be supportive to families who are struggling with it.
By default - and to a fault - we tend to have expectations on how people’s life trajectory looks.
What do we ask people after they start dating someone? Oh, when are you going to get married?! Once people get married? Oh, when are you going to have kids!? After your first kid, oh, when are you having more kids!?
These innocent comments can be really triggering. They’re not meant to be malicious… they're usually just mindless small talk. But they happen, and in general, we aren’t well trained as a society on supporting couples through their fertility journeys.
Luckily, there are actually a lot of resources out there via various fertility organizations and educators out there that are helping to raise awareness on how to be supportive. I've linked a few of my favourites in the footnotes1 that you can check out.
I hope this has been insightful and helpful. If you have other suggestions and advice, you are always welcome to add them to the conversation in the comments!
❤️